Expressing in a Realtionship

Today I feel a pressing need to write something. A pressing need for people to listen to what I have to say. Why is saying something so important?

As I walk back from my house I hear people talking all around me, faint whispers. Talking to someone, talking to themselves. Thinking always thinking. In a day we think about thousand things. Always express to ourselves. You dont like what someone in your class is wearing? You think to yourself that she looks funny. Someone is looking hot, you think to yourself he is looking hot and move on. But when is this pressing need to express. What do people mean by express to yourself and express to others?

I just broke up with someone. I was deeply involved with him. I know how much I was involved with him, but I he never knew how much it was because I never told. I always thought it was obvious. As a person who is hardly trying to get over someone, I keep thinking about a lot of random stuff. Especially life in general. When in relationship I thought sometimes to myself, he looks hot in this shirt,  i like when he looks at me like that, i love him so much, i cant imagine living without him, i am so happy he came etc etc. But I never told. I thought it was obvious. I thought it was obvious when two people spend 24 X 7 together it means they dont have to say. It is obvious and self explanatory.

Unfortunately people in real life are not like actors in fairy tale. They dont get what you want till you tell them. They are not pros at dealing with people like me who are impaired at expressing. Even my mom who saw me for at least 20 years(in my case) never gets what I mean till I tell her. How can I expect a total stranger I met an year ago figure me out? So he thought I was not looking for a long term relationship and got away with an other girl who had guts to express. A girl who told him what she wants. She told him ‘I Love You’ those three words I made obvious in every act of mine but never told.In fact I never told that to myself.

I never expressed to myself nor anyone else. I dont want to think about what wrong he did and what did I do. I dont want to go down that lane. It would just leave me with bitterness. But I just want to learn today how important it is to tell and express. Of course! it is. Someone tells me I am looking good one day I feel happy and more confident. I feel the same happiness in someone when I tell them. Then why stop myself from telling? Why stop expressing how much important they are to you?

So I thought this christmas I would make a list a list of all people who I met and would have fun meeting again. My school friends, high school friends I just ping sometime on facebook, family etc etc. I would just think how important they are to me and tell them. I know they will be totally surprised listening that from me but I want to do it. Just stop for a while and appreciate time people give me. A classmate of mine helped me understanding something, I would make him my friend and tell him I appreciate his help. I would tell my mom how much I love her and how much I miss her. Tell my friends I miss them. I would just stop cornering myself and lock myself up. I would tell people exactly how I feel. they are irritating me since a long time, I would just tell them shut up. May be not so rudely but in a way they would know. God gave us language, mouth and brain to feel, think and express.

Sometimes expressing might be dangerous. They might ruin some things. Because when I told my boyfriend that I loved him a lot and I did not expect that from him. A lot of things happened. He broke up with the other girl. This got really complicated. I complicated everything. It was all because I had anger and frustration from my past. Which I could never express. Anger against men because I was cheated once. That was when I thought ‘I would never have a man again in my life.. If I ever have I would not be fooled by him again’. this was it. This anger ruined me. I couldnt express it, couldnt hold it when I realised I was cheated again. My ego was bruised. Something I never wanted to happen has happened. I wanted a revenge. I was caught in between all of these revenge, anger that was surfacing from my past, frustration because my ego was hurt. love towards my boyfriend. None of which I could express. I tried tried tried to make things work. But it doesnt work that way.When I started expressing it was destructive. It was like I was slapping him and hurting my hand too. I slapped him so much till both my hand and his cheek have become numb. So I let him free of my anger and set myself free. I now sometimes feel like telling him I love you. But I only listen silence from the other side. I want to express but he doesn’t want to listen. Its not just expressing but expressing at the right time and right way is also very important.

Now I realized what are things that have gone wrong, what part of the things I messed and the things I would not mess again. In the end I realized how important it is to express. I am young I still have a lot of things ahead. I don’t know if I can still dare to hope if I can patch up with my boyfriend once everything calms down. Because I still think we are so perfect together when I meet him. I don’t totally deny his fault. But there is fault of mine too. He cheated me for some other girl, that is the truth which always seems fresh to me. For some crazy reasons I still think things can work out between us. But for now I just want to take a break and appreciate life I have and get over my bitterness towards men. May be I can totally get over him and find someone who would not cheat on me. May be things can work out between us which is rare but a miracle. For now I just want to think about setting myself free from anger, frustration and appreciate life.