Reality check

05 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by deedalash in POSITIVE CHANGE, Uncategorized

Today I decided I would get myself out of this corner I was thinking of the last year. It was one heck of an eventful year a kinda bittersweet one. I fell in love got cheated twice in the same year. A lot happened right. Yeah and left two jobs, was broke and a lot of other similar shit. I was cheated by a guy I really loved. Heart break is a cliche I know. MOvies and your friends atleast give an idea of what it is like. But in reality it is even worse. Yeah it is.

The moment you know you are cheated or something similar, your throat becomes dry, head starts spinning, your eyes become wet instantly. You will have no idea what you are thinking about. Well that is just for starters the later is even worse. I am not here to think about that shit anyways. Now I was cheated by a dude! The worse part is I am still in contact with him.

I am away from him now. I chat almost everyday and ask him what he is doing. I dont know why I just expect every time that he would miss me sometime in his day. He would miss me when he wakes up late to his office, when he is eating or at least before sleeping. But no! He doesn’t. I just did not make any difference in a person’s life even after staying with him for an year. Thats one heck of a relationship right?! Yeah it is. I want to think that may be he is not good at expressing. But no he said those things to so many other girls. Why not me?!!

That rejection and anticipation is what I am talking about, the aftermath of heart break. I was there with him for about 5-6 months even after being cheated. Helped him and took help from him. Had fun and cried. For getting accepted. AN anticipation that he would miss me, love me. It never happened. I dont know what is it about me that drives away people from me. Ugliness?! stupidity?!! I  dont know! Even after being for an year I couldnt get him to say those words from him. At least a miss you. May be he is happy. BUt atleast that. I would feel better if he would have said at least that. I would have felt I made some difference good or bad. Now in this night right after chatting with him and having an other day of rejection consecutively since august 21st I decided I should change. I should let go. Let go of him. Because no matter what I do or do not do, it is not going to make even a little difference in him. He is going to have the same life find an other girl. I was ready to trust him not just the first time he cheated but also the second time, I thought it was a roller coaster ride but worth a it. But it was not enough for him to love me. I dont know what else would be enough. I would never forget this one year and these four months of torture. I need to face the fact that nothing is enough for him to love me. All the time he spent with me was for nothing. It was not friendship, not love it was a safe game for him. I was just stupid to think it would lead to something called a happy ending. The fog from my eyes is clearing and I can see some facts. He never and will never ever love me.

I just dont understand why did he never say those words to me? Why did he never say I love you or I miss you to me. Why did not I make a little scratch in his life. May be nothing about me is good enough for him. Even if I get ten times slimmer, ten times hotter he would still want some other girl. Or may be I am crazy. So the biggest thing I realised today was he will never love me. He just doesnt even realize it. He will never ever miss me, no matter what I do. These ae the things I need to accept. I accepted. LIfe is tough. So I just thought I should do something more useful. SO my resolutions for this year are what I wrote in my 43things.com

1. I would apply to as many jobs as possible right from tomorrow.(I already started)

2. I will try to do as much research as possible in my field of study.

Other than the academic goals, my personal goals are:

1. Remove him from my life. Think about him as less as possible and accept the fact. see the reality.

2. Learn swimming.

3. Start my crafts again.

4. Develop a positive look on life. Learn how to be single and not to make mistakes or learn from them. Try to think only about yourself and learn your positives and negatives.

5. No more bull shit drama.

I would think as less as possible and open my windows to more things, more people. I would try to first get a good career. I will not corner myself. I do not deserve to be treated like this. I deserve to be treated right I need to move to a different place find more people and find love. Find someone who will treat me right not like some invisible person.

This year is going to be exciting!!! I think I will have no more posts about shit like this. I will have posts only about good things that are happening in my life.  Watch out!!!

I am done with updating resume and started looking for stuff to apply. Way to go!!! woooohooooo!!!

I have a really nice plan for myself. I will write it in next post.